Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Halfway through my first week on my own

DK is living and working in GA now, and I am in Asheville with our 3 sons. It's too quiet at night after the boys are in bed. These next 3 months are going to be very hard...I have no friends here, though I do have some babysitters I can call on. No one to talk to really. No one's company except the children and the occasional parent or teacher I speak with at their school. Though those conversations are usually very brief and superficial. So now I have to think, when all is quiet, and it's sinking in how much I have been pushing aside greif.

In the last 3 years I have lost the only 3 grandparents I ever knew, 2 friends, and 2 pets. I never permitted myself time to fully grieve any of those losses. I suppose because I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel and I didn't want to hurt. It hit me like a whammy tonight when I was talking to my 8 year old about migraines. I told him that I didn't know of anyone in my family who got them besides me. Neither of my parents, nor my sisters do that I know of. He said "What about your grandparents?" I said "I have no idea." And he replied "Why don;t you call and ask them?" and I told him I couldn;t..they had all died. And suddenly I was choking back tears...and it hit me... Gram, Mama, Papa...all dead. Jay and Meredith...dead. And I realized that I was doing what I'd always done....faced the pain as long as I had to...until after the funeral, and then convince myself that the deceased was on an extended vacation or something.

So now I'm alone in Asheville, with 3 boys to care for, no friends to lean on, and all these suppressed feeling of greif come bubbling up. Great.

2 comments:

Ken said...

Hang in there K. You'll be back in town soon enough. In the meantime, we're thinking of you.

mhechi said...

Wow, Kathy I hear ya. I know the feeling when kids ask you about a loved one. It's a tough answer. I'm the youngest of 6...the "baby". Ha. I have 4 kids who will never know their grandparents. That's so difficult in part because my grandma moved into my family home when I was 2 yrs old. I know how wonderful it is to have a grandma...an older person in your life. She was a huge influence in my life. It made all the difference in the world to have her there. I was a senior in High School when she died. I was devastated. Fast forward many years and now my parents have died and my children have no older people in their life. How may times I've looked at my oldest teenage daughter....all angry and pierced up...and thought what she could have gained from having my mom and dad as part of her life growing up. When she went from honor student to straight "f's" I wished so much that I could just run to my mom and ask for help....help with this child who clearly was turning away...and hating everyone she could. It's lonely sitting and watching my other teenage daughter win state championships in swimming...and have no one to share it with in my family. I could go on for hours but just to let you know I hear you. You said you feel alone and I understand how hard it must be....I know I'm a stranger....but I'm a mom who feels for you ....your boys are lucky to have you...I can hear how much you love them and I bet they can feel it. Take care. Sending you good thoughts until things change around for you.