DK is living and working in GA now, and I am in Asheville with our 3 sons. It's too quiet at night after the boys are in bed. These next 3 months are going to be very hard...I have no friends here, though I do have some babysitters I can call on. No one to talk to really. No one's company except the children and the occasional parent or teacher I speak with at their school. Though those conversations are usually very brief and superficial. So now I have to think, when all is quiet, and it's sinking in how much I have been pushing aside greif.
In the last 3 years I have lost the only 3 grandparents I ever knew, 2 friends, and 2 pets. I never permitted myself time to fully grieve any of those losses. I suppose because I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel and I didn't want to hurt. It hit me like a whammy tonight when I was talking to my 8 year old about migraines. I told him that I didn't know of anyone in my family who got them besides me. Neither of my parents, nor my sisters do that I know of. He said "What about your grandparents?" I said "I have no idea." And he replied "Why don;t you call and ask them?" and I told him I couldn;t..they had all died. And suddenly I was choking back tears...and it hit me... Gram, Mama, Papa...all dead. Jay and Meredith...dead. And I realized that I was doing what I'd always done....faced the pain as long as I had to...until after the funeral, and then convince myself that the deceased was on an extended vacation or something.
So now I'm alone in Asheville, with 3 boys to care for, no friends to lean on, and all these suppressed feeling of greif come bubbling up. Great.