Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Halfway through my first week on my own

DK is living and working in GA now, and I am in Asheville with our 3 sons. It's too quiet at night after the boys are in bed. These next 3 months are going to be very hard...I have no friends here, though I do have some babysitters I can call on. No one to talk to really. No one's company except the children and the occasional parent or teacher I speak with at their school. Though those conversations are usually very brief and superficial. So now I have to think, when all is quiet, and it's sinking in how much I have been pushing aside greif.

In the last 3 years I have lost the only 3 grandparents I ever knew, 2 friends, and 2 pets. I never permitted myself time to fully grieve any of those losses. I suppose because I didn't want to. I didn't want to feel and I didn't want to hurt. It hit me like a whammy tonight when I was talking to my 8 year old about migraines. I told him that I didn't know of anyone in my family who got them besides me. Neither of my parents, nor my sisters do that I know of. He said "What about your grandparents?" I said "I have no idea." And he replied "Why don;t you call and ask them?" and I told him I couldn;t..they had all died. And suddenly I was choking back tears...and it hit me... Gram, Mama, Papa...all dead. Jay and Meredith...dead. And I realized that I was doing what I'd always done....faced the pain as long as I had to...until after the funeral, and then convince myself that the deceased was on an extended vacation or something.

So now I'm alone in Asheville, with 3 boys to care for, no friends to lean on, and all these suppressed feeling of greif come bubbling up. Great.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

DK moving back

We are gearing up for DK to move back to GA to begin working on Monday. We promised the boys they could finish up the school year here, so I'll be remaining here with the kids. There is more stress brweing around here than anyone should have to deal with.

DK is stressed, I'm stressed, kids are stressed. Baby J is blessfully unaware. I'm trying not to let on how anxious I really am, but I am. I have no support system up here really. I have 2 very sweet ladies who help me with cleaning who will also help me with babysitting...which I am very thankful for. I enjoy their company immensely..very cool people. But that's about it.

Not to mention I'm now insane about personal safety and locking the doors and so forth. I double check them multiple times before I can fall asleep. I used to take for granted that my little corner of the world was safe and nothing really horrendously bad would happen. I have lost that sense of safety.

My friend, Meredith Emerson, was abducted and murdered about 6 weeks ago. I haven't had a decent night's sleep since then, and I expect it'll only be worse once DK is spending the work week in another state. I usually hold together very well during the day, but at night when the house is quiet and I'm alone with my thoughts...that's when it's really hard.

I'm rambling... I'm hoping I can begin posting more upbeat things soon.

Friday, February 15, 2008

Month from hell

January sucked....and that is the grandest understatement I have probably ever made.

I lost a friend, and the world lost an amazing person. I lost my sanity for a while there. My husband lost a job. And my children lost their sense of innocence and security in the world. That was a nutshell I guess.

Things have to go up from here...they just have to.